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| This is a picture of the moonlight the other night (yes, moonlight... not sunlight). It was amazingly bright and beautiful. |
Here's a blog that I wrote before I went to the States (for 3 weeks) a few weeks ago. I was never able to post it because our internet wasn't working at the time (surprise, surprise). But here it is, nonetheless, just a few weeks later than I wrote it. But let me say this... after spending a few weeks at home in the US, I feel differently. God really did a work in my heart while I was there (and away from Brazil for a few weeks) and I'll write about that later. But for now here's the blog:
I woke up the other morning feeling depressed. Not because I’m prone to sitting around licking my wounds and not because I’m predisposed to feeling sorry for myself. It was because I was feeling like I wasn’t doing enough for the Kingdom. Now that may sound crazy to you (seeing that we left behind everything we knew to actually come live on the foreign mission field) but it’s true. Last September we even celebrated 1 year of being here in Brazil. So to say, “that I don’t feel like I’m doing enough for the Kingdom,” probably doesn’t make much sense to you at all, but it’s the way I was feeling, for real.
Sure, there’s no denying the fact that God has done amazing things for us and through us over the past year but still... we feel like we’re so ill-equipped to even be here. We don’t even understand why God chose us. Seriously, why choose us? We’re not country folks (or jungle folks), we don’t possess all the skills necessary to make repairs and construct things (by ourselves) here at the camp. And I don’t have the desire to learn a new set of skills either. We don’t speak Portuguese (and that’s a killer when you want to talk to people without a translator). All of our skills and expertise revolve around “the local church” not being “foreign missionaries.” Before we left the States I was even going to other churches and doing consulting on how to improve and grow churches, training supportive ministry staff and showing different churches how to better serve their community. That’s what I’m passionate about... the local church. And it’s because of that (and the fact that we’re not working in a local church here in Brazil) that “we don’t feel like we’re doing enough for the Kingdom.”
So, since we were feeling like this, it made me sit down and really think about everything. I needed to determine if what I was experiencing was legit or was I just having a good old fashioned pity party. Seriously, why am I feeling this way?
So I started to go through my mental checklist of all the reasons why we should be doing something that we’re better equipped for (and not be here). Here’s some of the things that came to mind while I was pleading my case with God on why I think He made a mistake by sending Me, MJ and our kids here:
At the end of our ministry in the US, I was preaching 3 times a week (in English... my language!), counseling, making hospital visits, planning/organizing/executing large scale outreach events, putting together audio/video presentations every week, discipling an amazing group of students and... you get it, right? All the stuff that goes on at a local church. And having done that for almost 10 years (and loving what we did) and then being thrust onto the foreign mission field where we don’t speak the language and where a majority of our time is spent just trying to "live" is very difficult. Especially for a task oriented person like me. I want to see instant-measurable results and I want everything quantified so that I can know ministry is effective.
But here’s the other thing that’s a part (and the biggest part) of the equation that I had to factor-in... “we know that God has us here and that we need to keep pressing forward and obeying Him.” And that’s the thing that trumps every other thing that I can come-up with in my finite little mind. God knows my strengths and He knows my weaknesses but yet He sent us here. He knows what my passions are and what I’d love to do but He sent us here. So, if I really know and trust Him, I’ve got to be content with that. I’ve got to resolve within myself that He’s a good God who knows, not only my beginnings, but my end. He’s already there in my future (He’s omni-present, right?)... He knows and I trust Him.
What about you? Do you feel like you should be doing something different but for some reason the opportunity hasn’t opened up yet? Is there something that you really feel like you should be doing because you’d be better at it but you don’t have a “release” to do it yet? Here’s what we’re doing and it’s what I’d tell you... “keep being faithful at what you’re doing and just wait on God.” The only thing worse than not doing what God’s called you to do is to do something (that’s a good thing) in the wrong timing. Wait on God, it’s gonna work out, you’ll see : )
Passionately Following Jesus,
Jim
