The Mother of All Meltdowns

I’ve got to confess something to you. I am a spoiled, ungrateful, unthankful jerk! Seriously, I am. Let me explain...

For the last 2 months we’ve been trying to adapt to a new culture. And as we’ve been trying to adapt we’ve also been getting use to living on top of a mountain, in the middle of the jungle, getting eaten alive by every insect imaginable, we don’t have a vehicle and we’ve been walking everywhere, we don’t have internet, we don’t have our container yet (which means we’ve been living out of a suitcase for over 3 months now), we’ve been stripped of everything that is familiar or that has even the semblance of being comfortable, all of the friends that we usually lean on in hard times and most of the people we love are back in the States... I could literally go on for at least 10 more paragraphs, believe me, but for the sake of time I’ll get to the point.

I was doing great for the first month, but as soon as we started on month number 2, I started melting down slowly but steadily. I was able to keep it concealed fairly well, but then I absolutely lost the ability to hide my frustration. I just got to the point where I was done and I let everyone know it by officially having an epic meltdown. I just got tired of walking up and down the mountain, hitching rides just to get to the internet or the grocery store, not being able to speak fluent Portuguese (I miss ministering without a translator), we’ve been under a massive spiritual attack where you can literally feel the pressure in your head and on your chest, nothing is easy here... and I mean nothing. And I had had enough!

It officially started when I pouted like a 2 year old for almost an entire day. Then I started blasting every one close to me with my witty banter (actually sarcasm can be funny or mean and I was just flat-out mean the other day). Have you ever done that? Have you ever said stuff, acting like you were just being funny, when in all actuality you were just trying to insult somebody “under the radar” by acting like you were just being funny? I’m awesome, huh? Man, I’m such a jerk and I’m ashamed.

It’s funny though (not funny ha ha, but funny weird) how you can be going after God wholeheartedly (at least in your own eyes) and then God will pull back the curtain and show you something in your heart that’s wicked,sinful and broken. It just totally crushes the spiritual cockiness that you’ve got going on too. I hate it when that happens. But it’s a good thing though. It actually proves that we’re a son/daughter of God because He only disciplines sons/daughters (Hebrews 12:5-8), right?

And man, talk about whining... I’ve been complaining about not having all the things that I feel like we’ve needed here like God “owed it” to me or something. I would never say it out loud but I was definitely thinking it. I thought that since I’d abandoned everything to follow Jesus that I was “entitled” to all the things that I was praying for... and I was entitled to them now! How arrogant is that? Lord, forgive me.

But God convicted me of my attitude as I was laying in bed the other morning (wanting to go back to sleep so that I could try and escape all the junk we’ve been up against), and as I was laying there, I could hear Robert (our youngest son) upstairs laying in his bed, singing. Singing like everything was just hunky-dory and like he didn’t have a care in the world. He was singing. This kid who’s had to walk everywhere I’ve walked, eaten everything I’ve eaten, slept in the same conditions I’ve been sleeping in, he’s been getting bit by the same bugs I’ve been getting eaten by... everything’s the same. The only difference was that he was laying in bed singing and I was laying in bed feeling sorry for myself. Same conditions, different perspective. He was happy, I was sad. He was thankful for another day, I was mad and frustrated at God for where He had led me and my family. For real. I felt convicted and ashamed. Why? Because anytime we’re not content, and we feel like we’re missing something in our life, it’s like saying, “you know what God?... you’re not good enough for me. I need you + ____________ to make me happy. I need __________ + You to truly fulfill me and give me joy.” Forgive me Lord.

Then, I was listening to a podcast last week (Beau Hughes from the Village Church in Texas) and he made a statement that stuck with me (actually it was like a spiritual spanking). He said, “ultimately we struggle with being content because of our lack of trust in God.” When I heard that, my heart sank. At that moment it hit me (really hard too) what my discontentment was revealing about my heart toward God. And that’s a part of me that I want to change. Think about it... by not being content with what God has blessed me with, it’s like saying, “I don’t trust that you’re giving me everything I deserve and everything I need. I don’t believe you’re a good enough Father and you’re not doing what’s in my best interest so I’m not going to be happy and content until I get __________.” It sounds crazy when you think about it but we all do it. I think that’s what Paul meant in Philippians 4 when he said, “he had learned to be content in whatever the situation was because he could do all things through Christ.” That’s the key... finding contentment “In Jesus” and not in anything else. Because placing our contentment in something else will always let us down and will eventually disappoint us.

Bottom line is this... God knows what I need and when I need it. My contentment should be grounded in Jesus and not in having transportation or having fast internet, or any of the other things I was complaining about. Contentment is a funny thing though. It seems like we either strive for something we think will make us content and never get it so we’re frustrated. Or we strive for that “thing” that we think that will fulfill us, and when we do get it, we become frustrated because it doesn’t satisfy the way we thought it would . But “things” were never meant to fulfill us. Only God was meant to fulfill us and make us content. It’s something we have to fight against constantly.

So where am I now? Actually I feel really good. I feel content. All of my circumstances are still exactly the same but my attitude is different. I repented, confessed my sin to my family and I’ve resolved to the fact that since I trust God (and I trust that He’s a good God) and that He’s not withholding anything good from me... everything will happen when it’s suppose to. Take that devil!

The Robinson’s (the Family that’s been here for the last week on a short term mission trip) will be leaving tomorrow for the U.S. and it was a good week for everyone. Dean (the husband) possibly broke a rib while doing a work project, Tamara (the wife) received a special surprise when a frog jumped out of the toilet (as she was sitting on it) to greet her and Blake (the oldest son) is officially fed-up with black beans and rice but God was glorified through them this week. They definitely got a taste of what it was like being a missionary in Brazil and experienced life here on the mountain. Whether it was in the school, at one of the churches we attended, in one of the houses they visited on the mountain... God was glorified. Even though it was tough at times, God was good to us this week. Now, it’s time to get ready for a camp this weekend: )

Still Learning to Be Content,

Jim

PS - The pics at the top are when we went to Morrettes last week to visit a family who is working with an orphanage there. It's nestled way up in the mountains and is kind of like a Brazilian version of Helen, Ga. and it's absolutely beautiful there.